The Conversation Continued… “We Have To Talk”

In Part 1 of this series, we discussed the difficulty most people have facing this particular task. Many spouses hope that the other spouse just “gets it,” but that rarely happens. So now we explore the when, the where, the how and the what to say, for this very important conversation.

When Amy* calls me to find out about my mediation services, one of the last questions I ask during the phone intake is: “Is John* on the same page with you in terms of readiness to formalize a separation, or are you just exploring the options and gathering information on your own?” Her answer will determine my response. If John is ready, then we open up the calendar and schedule the consultation.

However, if Amy has not let John know yet that she is serious about moving forward with the separation, I ask her if she knows how to broach the subject, let alone what to say and how to say it. Chances are she is stymied at this point, so it’s natural that she would have a lot of anxiety about taking this next step.

In brief, these are my suggestions on the when, the where, the how and the what:

When

1. Make a date to speak with each other.
2. Don’t wait until there is another argument or blow up. Better to set a mutually agreeable time to have the conversation when you are both calm and relaxed.
3. Pick a time when there are little or no time constrictions for either of you. You don’t want to have this conversation when you only have 45 minutes because you have to pick up the kids.

Where

1. Select a location that is not proprietary, meaning NOT in the marital home.
2. Go somewhere where you are completely out of earshot of the children.
3. Pick a public place, somewhere where you have lots of room around you to speak freely. Options might be a busy diner, a noisy Starbucks, the beach, a park, etc. – somewhere where you have a modicum of privacy and your conversation will not be overheard.

How

1. Start by talking about what is true for you about the situation and your resolve to move forward.
2. Try to stay away from rehashing old grievances and arguments. Focus on the future.
3. Don’t presume to know what is good for your spouse, nor tell him/her what they should be feeling, thinking or how they should react.
4. Keep your conversation in the I, as in: “This is what’s going on for me and what I would like to see happen now.”

What else?

1. Remember what is important to you and stick with that. If you have children, focus on them and how important it is to you that they continue to have two loving and involved parents, no matter what.
2. Acknowledge that this will be difficult. Money will be tighter, parenting will be more challenging and the future may feel uncertain even as you work together in an amicable way. Be honest, don’t discount the realities.
3. Request a “by when” that your spouse will get back to you about moving forward. Remember you’ve had a little more time to think this through and ready yourself for this next step. Give them the same grace.

Again – this may be one of the most difficult conversations you’ll ever have, so take a deep breath, be calm and be yourself. You can do this.

For more on this topic, read The Emotional Divorce here.

* Not actual persons

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

On the Radio – Part 1

This past summer, I had the pleasure of appearing twice on Dr. Duffy Spencer’s radio show, Just Relationships. Our conversation explored the world of divorce and family mediation. Dr. Spencer is a psychotherapist and social psychologist who speaks, trains and coaches individuals and groups to overcome inner obstacles for their highest success.

She often features guest speakers in related fields on her radio show, and having appeared a number of years ago, I was delighted when she asked me to come back. She is a wonderful interviewer! The conversation flowed and I didn’t know where the half hour went, so we both agreed to continue our conversation in another installment.

The first part of our discussion centered around the topics of:

• Personal conflict
• Marital separation and divorce
• The effects on the family as a whole
• The distinction between the mediation and the litigation process

I invite you to click on the link below and listen in on our very interesting conversation. My hope is that our dialogue allows you to filter out the clutter and noise and help you choose a path that preserves your sanity as well as the health and wellbeing of your entire family.

Click here to listen to part 1. 

You can also tune into Dr. Duffy on the radio, Just Relationships on WHPC 90.3 FM

Wednesdays at 3:30 PM, Fridays at 11:00 AM and Sundays at 9:30 AM.

Click on NCC.edu/WHPC for LIVE STREAMING

To hear or download any past show, go to http://itunes.ncc.edu.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Let Go of the Banana!

{1:51 minutes to read}

Let Go or Be Dragged – Zen proverb

The minute I read this proverb, I laughed with recognition. Don’t we all know the truth of this? Of course we do, but how very difficult it is for us to do it.

I’ve been pondering this proverb for some time. Why, despite the wisdom of the concept, do we still hold onto whatever it is we know is going to drag us under, behind or somewhere else we don’t want to go?

Why don’t we let go? Perhaps the reason is that we think if we let go, we lose. But, lose what?    

• Control
• Autonomy
• Access
• Power
• Ourselves

Pick one, any one. We just don’t want to lose, no matter what the cost. And oh, the cost!

In mediation, it is not about winning or losing. And yet, even though we may come to the mediation table with the intention of coming out with a win/win scenario, somehow we sense that duality of win/lose dancing in the ether, and nobody wants to be on the losing end.

It’s the “what if” game.

• If I give this up… then what?
• If I let go of that… what more will be expected?

We can’t always know the outcome for sure. So when uncertain, we tend to hold onto what is familiar, what we know or what we think we know, despite the feeling that we are being dragged down by it.

Another way of describing the “let go or be dragged” phenomenon is a parable explaining how they capture monkeys in the jungle. A huge, clear-glass globe with a 3-inch hole at the top is set on the jungle floor. That huge, glass globe is filled almost to the top with loads and loads of bananas. One by one, the monkeys put their slim arms into the hole to reach for and pull out a banana. The hole is too small for the banana to get through, yet the monkeys keep trying to pull that fruit out of the tiny hole, until Bam! The net comes down and captured they are. Moral to the story:  “Let go of the banana.”

Sitting on my shelf is a little stuffed gorilla clutching a banana. I look at her every day.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

{3:42 minutes to read} So sang Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion as they hooked arms with each other on their way out of the dark and brooding forest and danced their way along the yellow brick road toward The Emerald City of Oz. Remember that?

How about this one? The Cowardly Lion, eyes closed, clutching his tail, repeating as a mantra: “I do believe in ghosts, I do believe in ghosts, I do, I do, I do believe in ghosts!” We all grew up with this classic childhood movie and laugh as we remember these scenes so well.

And what were they doing by repeating these lines over and over again? I’d say, whistling in the dark to keep the Wicked Witch of the West away. Reciting over and over their greatest fears as they envisioned all the kinds of horrors that were waiting to pounce on them as they skipped their way out of a terror of their own imagining.

I was reminded about this sort of catastrophizing during the recent incredibly cold and snowy, wintry weather in the northeast. I’m not suggesting that we didn’t have really dangerous conditions. Some areas (Boston, for example) got clobbered in more ways than they could have prepared for. No, I’m talking about the loosely-used word “storm.”

Just the other night, I was watching our local news and weather as they were predicting anywhere from 2–4 inches of snow with a light wind which would turn into rain overnight due to rising temperatures. The larger weather picture didn’t indicate anything major coming our way, yet the crawl at the bottom of the screen demanded a “storm” watch. 2-4 inches? Really?!!

We live in a world of hyper-hyperbole (even I’m doing it!) these days.

• We don’t have a few inches of snow – it’s a storm.
• We don’t have cold weather anymore – it’s the polar vortex.
• We don’t have snow followed by sleet – it’s a freezing mix followed by black ice.

Danger!! – - Stay off the roads!!! – - Run for your lives!!!!

No wonder everyone seems to have either a heightened sense of catastrophe or a sense of ennui because you just don’t know what to believe anymore.

This amplified feeling of impending doom, larger than life tragedy – - lions and tigers and bears, oh my – - often spills into the mediation room. No surprises there. But, the event of a separation is daunting enough without bringing in the catastrophizing aspects of the hyperbolic world.

We mediators are not immune to it either. But those of us who deal in the domain of conflict have learned to recognize for ourselves, and therefore for our clients, when we are tending to over-exaggerate. The lions, tigers, and bears may still be looming, but we learn how to face them with courage and rigor, and eventually get to that Emerald City.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Comments from Social Media

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Nice article Ada. I like your analogy. This makes me ponder as to the affects of exaggeration in the context of mediation. It occurs by the story teller with the intent of having more impact, therefore drawing more sympathy. It is diminished so as not to draw one’s attention to a participant as well, so as not to be singled out to a large degree, thereby hoping to escape a certain amount of responsibility possibly. You too are correct that a trained and attentive mediator should see this and be able to curb it, or move it towards a realistic perspective. One having a mantra of “I did do it, I DID DO IT” or “I didn’t do it, I DIDN’T DO IT” likely needs to be reversed to varying degrees so one is able to obtain a healthy perspective and thereby deal with the matters in a realistic fashion, undoubtedly healthier for all involved, including the mediator.Oh the lions, tigers and bears that invade our woods. Some are real but misunderstood. Others are not real at all…Thank you for the article, Steve

Steve Westberg

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I thought by now this topic would be flooded with comments. My comment is that, in my opinion and practice, such a feeling of impending doom almost always acts to settle a case. I hope it “spills into the mediation room,” because putting a financial value on the emotional and psychological cost of litigation leads to an added value to settle, and then the settlement itself. The question that settles my civil litigation cases is often, “Is there an amount of money it be worth to go home tonight knowing that this is all over, and you will never have to worry about this matter again?” Anyone else?

Robert Sturgess

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Excellent article! Makes its points very well. Nicely done…

Spencer Rosman

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A good reminder of the importance of checking how the world around us might affect our interactions in mediation. So true–our clients don’t need exaggeration of their issues. They are large enough. Sometimes the best service we can offer is to break issues into manageable pieces–which can then be resolved. Turning the “storm” back into “a few inches of snow” which can then be addressed.

Tess Worrell

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Floggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

{2:06 minutes to read} I don’t know where and when I first saw this oxymoronic and hilarious line. Perhaps it was on a t-shirt or as a framed sign in a catalogue somewhere.

Unfortunately, it often sums up a philosophy and attitude that many businesses have toward their employees. It can also apply to an individual when they don’t realize how their:

• Harsh words;
• Coarse approach;
• Stinging manner; and
• Tough position

may be interpreted by the person they are trying to influence.

It would seem, to any rational mind, that it’s simply counterintuitive to conduct ourselves in an arrogant and insolent manner, and yet… we do it over and over again and are always surprised when we garner the exact opposite result of what we are seeking.

In mediation, although the intent is to be amicable, there are times when things get a bit heated. Sometimes, someone takes an affront to something the other person has said, or more importantly, the way they have said it. As in:

1. You’re impossible – no one can talk to you!
2. This is not what I signed on for – your indictment that I have ill motives!
3. How dare you accuse me of stealing OUR money when all I did was protect it in an account where I didn’t have to worry about you spending it willy nilly!
4. I’m not going to sit here and take that kind of talk!
5. If you threaten me one more time, I’m out of here!

We all know that old adage you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and yet it can stick in our craw to have to speak nicely to someone for whom we feel disrespect or even loathing. We may feel it’s impossible and almost disingenuous to speak calmly, reasonably and sensibly when we are confronted with the person who is the cause of our frustrations and anger.

At times like this, as skilled mediators, we restate, reframe and sometimes completely reword such vitriolic language, giving the expresser an opportunity to take a breath and try to bring him or herself under control.

It’s difficult to respond to a situation rather than react to one, but our attitude and behavior is something only we can control. Morale will continue until flogging improves.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Comments from Social Media

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This runs congruent with psychological wisdom, which asserts that in a situation of conflict, any statement that begins with “you” is probably not going to be constructive. That’s where we get “I” statements, where you begin from your own point of view and show how it is impacted by someone else’s behavior, rather than starting with their behavior and getting their hackles up. “I’m not going to sit here and take this,” becomes, “I’m feeling put down and a little threatened; can we take it down a notch?” Or something like that.

Thomas Thornberry

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Thoughts on Promise and Redemption

{3:54 minutes to read} It seems the perfect time of year to give thought to this topic given the Easter and Passover season and the feel of re-birth that only spring can bring. I write this on March 20th as we enjoy the solar eclipse, the March equinox which heralds the arrival of spring. And still, it snows here this afternoon in the northeast – hopefully the last gasp of winter going out like a lion instead of the promised lamb. Soon, soon.

Promise

• For the Jews – the Passover promise,
• For the Christians – the Redeemer lives,
• For the Pagans – the earth recovers from her deep and abiding sleep to bring forth life again and again.

They are all magnificent miracles. And yet we can be so involved in our daily, hectic lives that we sometimes don’t even see it. We don’t allow our hearts to be moved by these wonders that occur not just in a specific season, but each and every day.

Redemption

The whole idea of redemption occurred to me during several mediations of recent note. In all three cases, one spouse had done something that the other spouse considered utterly unforgivable. Fair enough.

What I observed however, was that the offending spouses had acknowledged the wrong-doing, worked hard to set it to rights and were on the road to true redemption. The purpose was not to get into the other’s good graces necessarily, but because they truly saw the light and wanted to clean up their act and get on the right path for themselves.

What I also observed was the absolute refusal of the other party to allow that this phenomenon was actually occurring. They refused to such a point that they were actually blind to irrefutable facts in front of them. In fact, these new occurrences were benefiting them in ways that were not possible had not the redemption occurred. And still, they fought and argued even when the other party was agreeing with them.

Now, I’m not naïve. There is much more to these stories than I can get into in a 500-word blog. My point is more one of human behavior and observation. We’ve all been there. We can be so stuck in our position and our righteous anger; so utterly upset that we see everything through the filter of our fury and can’t see the light when it’s shining right in our face.

Promise and Redemption

In all three cases, the mediation process presented maneuvering room for clemency to occur. An egregious offense is an egregious offense and sometimes it is unforgivable. And yet, who is without sin? We’ve all done something that we’re not particularly proud of.

But when you are still parents to your children and don’t have the luxury of walking away from each other never to be seen again, it helps to take a breath and allow for some humanity and grace. Not only for the other person, but more importantly….for yourself.

‘Tis the season for reminders of renewal. Happy Spring!

Ada L. Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Comments from Social Media

A long history of disappointment, frustrated expectations, and even betrayal can shape our perceptions to see only that which fits the past experience. You are so right to point out how that pattern disrupts mediation–especially when one person is authentically trying to make right a wrong. I find asking the aggrieved person, “What specific actions by ________ would make this right?” focuses the discussion.

Sometimes, the action that makes the most difference simply hasn’t been thought of. By asking the question, the mediator can save penitent partner from spinning his/her wheels on wasted efforts. Instead, they can focus on the actions that bring true healing.

At the other end of the spectrum–forcing the aggrieved party to specifically outline what might make a difference helps them focus on their own expectations and intentionally consider what is truly going on. If there is nothing the other person can do, they must acknowledge that. This causes most people to reconsider their stubbornness. If they can outline what they would like to see, the mediator can often draw connections between what has been offered and what the aggrieved person wants. This builds a small foundation toward redemption–which then allows the people to begin building the foundation of trust needed to continue parenting after the divorce. With all these options–the mediator can take a role in helping clients see the light shining in their faces. Thanks for an insightful blog–good to ponder.

Tess Worrell

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Civility + Dignity = Inner Peace

{3:36 minutes to read} It seems that one of the many things lacking in our everyday lives these days is even a modicum of civility.

What happened to “Please?”

And “Thank you?”

And “Excuse me?”

Exactly! These are common courtesies we afforded each other during our daily discourses.

What happened to:

• Walking through a door and looking back to see if someone is right behind you so you can hold the door open for them?
• Noticing that an older and more frail person cannot reach up to grab a can on the upper shelf of the supermarket?
• Cutting a driver some slack and allowing them to gain entrance onto the highway?
• Writing a thank-you note to someone who has done something nice for you?
• Acknowledging a smile, a gift, that someone looks beautiful today?

This lack of civility also spills into the mediation room. I’ve watched several couples over the past year or so begin the mediation with such loathing and disrespect for their soon-to-be ex-spouse that the taint of these emotions and expressions enveloped them, too. They couldn’t possibly have felt good about themselves by the time they got done mopping the floor with their incensed rage.

In most of these cases, they would either apologize to me as they were walking out of the room or call me the next day to say that they are not normally like this. I know they felt bad about themselves. It’s hard not to feel bad when we are discourteous and disrespectful, no matter the circumstances..

The good news is mediation!

I know I say this over and over again – so forgive me – but the truth is that mediation presents an opportunity for a more civilized approach to settling affairs for the parties. And with civility, comes a sense of dignity.

Dignity – I love this word. It’s an inner sense that one is comporting oneself with a level of grace and gravitas. No one can make you feel dignified. It’s something that has to come from within. Think of the Queen of England. It’s unimaginable that she would behave in any way other than a dignified manner – no matter what the circumstances.

I’m not soft-soaping this. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is the business of separating, ending a marriage, or trying to work things out for the betterment of the children. It takes time to build trust and good intentions. It IS hard work, and the results are not always visible during the process.

However, I also know this: The alternative (litigation) will not make you feel any better about yourself. When you complete a mediation process, you will be able to walk out holding your head up high with your dignity intact and ultimately with peace in your heart knowing you comported yourself with civility and respect.

Thank you for your attention.

Ada L. Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Comments from Social Media

 This a truism that should not be quickly swept under the carpet. People should learn to be courteous and respectful while relating to others

Vincent Omorie 

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Ada, I thank you for this Post. We all need to hear this message. We are quick to condemn the actions of others and easily convince ourselves that others are responsible for our inner emotional experience. Forgetting to be responsible for what we think, say and do. I firmly believe (although most of my friends say that it doesn’t make sense) that in harming another in thought, word or deed, we need to hurt ourselves first. They are not aware that before I can hurt another, I need to be the kind of person willing and able to harm that Other. I need to be in pain first. If I were to be in ‘perfect peace’ (perhaps by adopting the maxim of: “civility + dignity = Inner Peace” as suggested above) I would be not only unwilling to harm another, but incapable. In any case, my sense is that the ‘Other’ is in fact a projection of my own Evolution at that point in time and space. It doesn’t taken any human ‘Super Power’ to find fault in another. What we need is to consistently validate the Other. Recognising their right to exist, even as they act unskilfully. And, given that our unskilled actions are only an expression of unmet needs, if we can assist the ‘Other’ to get their needs met in a more appropriate way, a resolution can be found. You will we wise enough to know that we are not condoning abuse in this discussion. That is a subject for another discussion.

Trevor Sutton

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Though basic–this point is important. I think mediators who set some “civility ground-rules” help clients move more quickly out of “acting out” their anger or fears so the other person will hear them and into communicating those significant factors in more productive ways. Ways that not only move the mediation forward but enable them to feel good about themselves in the process.

Tess Worrell 

Are You “Ping” Worthy?

{4 minutes to read} My friend Heidi purchased a new car a few years back. She was so proud of herself because she negotiated the whole deal on her own with no help from anyone. After months of research, she knew which car she wanted and bravely marched into the dealership to buy her new vehicle. But wait!

• Did she want the extended warranty?
• Did she want the rust-proofing package?
• Did she want the additional undercoating for the chassis?
• Did she want the window tinting?
• Did she want the “ding” insurance? (Or as she likes to call it “ping” insurance.)

Arrrrghhhh!!!!!

She was recounting this hilarious story to me and our friend Dale as we were getting into her car one gorgeous weekend at the Jersey shore. She pointed out all the little dents on the front and back bumpers and almost all of the side panels, telling us that she did indeed purchase the “ping” insurance.

Prior to moving to New Jersey, she had lived and parked her car in the city. She was concerned about it getting dinged all over the place (for good reason), and she at least wanted that coverage.

So why was her car loaded with dents?? What happened to her “Ping” insurance?

The “Ping” Process

Well, in order to have those dents taken care of, she explained, you first you have to bring your car to the dealership for them to determine whether you are (and this is her phrase) “Ping worthy.” And in order for them to determine this, you have to leave your car for a few days while it sits in a queue awaiting the adjuster’s assessment of your ping worthiness. A few days just for the appraisal…and if you are deemed “ping worthy,” then who knows how long it takes to hammer them out!

The “ping” insurance, by the way, doesn’t include a car rental. She missed that in the fine print. Hence the ping, ding and dent-studded car.

Caveat Emptor – let the buyer beware!

As we were laughing hysterically at her recitation of her ordeal, I was thinking about the litigation system and the expectations that people have about getting their day in court. It’s really not dissimilar to Heidi’s experience with the insurance package she thought would cover her.

For those engaged in the court system, you start with the expectation that justice will be served. Perhaps it will…eventually you’ll find out. But first there’s:

• The back and forth to the courthouse;
• The hours and hours of waiting for your appearance;
• The cost to you of paying for your lawyer to do the same;
• The backlog the courts have and therefore the constant delays;
• Unpaid days taken off from work to show up only to find out that there is yet another postponement.

The aggravation, frustration and dashed hopes that justice will be done can leave one bereft and just plain spent. Mediation is looking better and better, isn’t it? Because in mediation, you ARE “Ping worthy!”

Ada L. Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

When Is It Appropriate to Introduce the Children to a Significant Other?  

Part 1 – The Scenario

{3:56 minutes to read} Of all the issues that come up in mediation, there is probably not a single one that is rife with more consternation, complexities, consequences, and what I call “heavy-osity,” than this question. It’s a big, fat, loaded hot-potato, and no one wants to be on the receiving end of catching it. For a myriad of reasons, it’s a virtual land mine if the parties don’t see eye-to-eye on how to address this issue and ultimately resolve it. The minute one of the parties brings it up, I start buckling my seatbelt.

Why is this topic so fraught with emotion, worry and possible ego-deflating potential? Well, imagine this:

Your soon-to-be ex is already dating Sally* and he hasn’t even moved out of the house yet. Moreover, you believe he lied to you about the relationship when you asked if everything was okay between the 2 of you. So not only is your world upside down and inside out to begin with, but this new person comes right out of left field. A sucker punch to be sure.

Now you are sitting in mediation, already overwhelmed and daunted by the prospects of separating, maybe having to move to a new home in a new school district, wondering when the right time would be to tell the children about this huge event that’s about to happen to you, to them, to all of you… and suddenly you have to deal with what you feel is a totally inappropriate and untimely issue.

But your soon-to-be-ex is pushing his agenda that the children should meet Sally, and right away. After all, he continues, he’s going to be moving in with her, and the sooner the kids meet her, the more adjusted they will be when that time comes.

To add insult to injury, he claims it’s your fault he has to move in with Sally, because the child support is going to kill him, and he needs to share his living expenses in order to be able to pay it.

And before you have a chance to refute that indictment, he further makes the case that the kids will love Sally. She has young children the same age as yours. He proceeds to paint a “Brady Bunch” scenario as you choke on tears of utter rage at his unmitigated gall in already deciding that this is the way to go.

When you manage to squeak out your response to this, he goes on to accuse you of being jealous of his new relationship and not even thinking of the children – only of yourself.

Get the picture? Not every situation is quite like this, but close enough. And this is not gender specific.

Regardless of which parent it is, the critical question is: “How can this be done in a way that works for both parents and what you both deem will ultimately be in the best interests of the children?” Checking your egos at the door is mandatory.

Next – Part II, The 5 essential questions you may want to ask yourself as you navigate this issue.

*Not a real person

Ada L. Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Comments from Social Media

Interesting article and scenario Ada! Yes, divorce proceedings are often wrought with discord, hurt-feelings, and malcontent for the other. In this particular scenario, it appears that the (soon-to-be-ex) is making this decision for financial reasons primarily! Money is often a functional side-effect of divorce, and thus choices and decisions may be altered to what they may otherwise choose in perfect conditions.

J. Craig

“I Feel Like a Homeless Person”  

{3:18 minutes to read} These were the exact words expressed by a client during a relatively uncomplicated, amicable and straightforward mediation. What was surprising to me when the wife tearfully made this admission, was that this couple was in good financial straits, they were mediating beautifully, they were in agreement about the house, the move, the children… so the fear was completely unfounded. But there it was.

In this case, they were on the same page about so many of the important issues that many other couples tend to argue about:

1. They divided their assets equally with no qualms.
2. The husband had refinanced the house, to which he had a strong emotional attachment, in his own name. He was buying out the wife’s equity so she could purchase her new home – and this was being done even before they signed the Settlement Agreement!
3. They agreed that the husband would be the residential custodial parent with their sons staying in the marital home.
4. In the meantime, she was living in a month-to-month rental apartment until the closing on her house. She was coming back to the marital home to spend a lot of time with the boys, having dinner there most nights during the week.
5. The couple was spending most weekends together as the boys had lots of sports activities and they were both very involved parents.

So why the tears? Why the fears? During one of the last sessions, I looked across the table and saw the wife wiping tears from her eyes. This was unexpected as she was the one who initiated the mediation. She clearly wanted the separation and was not having second thoughts. However, given that:

• she was the one moving out of the marital home,
• the husband was the one with whom the children were going to be living (there is still that veiled stigma of mothers not being the custodial parent), and
• her new home had not yet been purchased,

she was clearly feeling like a ship slipping its moorings. It hit her and it hit her hard.

When I saw the tears, I asked her what was upsetting her, and she said simply: “I feel like a homeless person.” She admitted that she knew this was a crazy notion, but still that’s how it felt to her… at the moment.

It’s not uncommon for baseless fears to emerge while everything is in a state of flux. Until things are firmly settled, there can be, and often is, a feeling of being adrift. But this is not musical chairs, so when the music stops, everyone will have a seat.

Ada L. Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Comments from Social Media

I have had this happed as well and it can be difficult for people (especially the wife) as they fell they are being thrown away. My worst was a woman whom seemed to have all her emotions subdued till the final document was handed her. Then she lost it. Till then she was the rock in the room.

Dr. Justin Wood 

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The fears are not exactly “baseless”. At some point in the person’s life, they felt the way they are describing to you now. Emotions are not necessarily a picture of factual reality. The key words are “feel like.”

Sherry Katz, LCSW

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Ada, this is so well-conveyed! It’s a simple concept, yet so many divorce lawyers just don’t get it. The stress of divorce can be overwhelming, regardless of the circumstances, and our clients need our support more than many of us know. Thank you for providing a short but succinct story that illustrates this issue so well!

Joryn Jenkins

{4:36 minutes to read} . . . with great care, concern and compassion. Easier said than done, I know.

There are times when a potential client inquiring about my mediation services will tell me that they’re ready to start the process, but they haven’t even broached the subject with their spouse yet. Mainly, they don’t know:

• How to do it;
• When to do it;
• How to handle the potential resistance to the subject.  

Depending on their gender, they may say something like:

1. He knows I’m unhappy, so this shouldn’t come as a surprise;
2. We’ve been talking about this for years, but neither of us ever did anything about it;
3. I know she’s talking to her friends, and they’re inflaming an already tense situation;
4. He thinks we can just keep the status quo because money is tight.

In these cases, I always ask if they would like me to give them some suggestions that may help ease the way into the conversation. No one has turned me down yet.

The first thing I offer is this: No matter how many times couples may have bandied around the idea of separating, it’s another thing when one spouse actually says the words out loud. It becomes real; it’s a declared intention; and there is no possibility of putting the genie back in the bottle.

So here are some guidelines I offer my potential clients, which may have value for you as well:

1. When: Make a date to talk. Springing such an important subject on someone who is in the middle of making dinner, just coming home from work, etc., is not the time to do it. Set up a mutually agreeable time when neither of you has any constraints so you can focus on this important conversation.
2. Where: Choose a public place and, if possible, a natural setting like a park, beach or hiking trail. Another good option is a diner, coffee shop, Starbucks or restaurant where you are breaking bread together.
   • I don’t recommend having the conversation in the house for two reasons:
     • It’s better to talk someplace neutral and not one so rife with emotional and financial investment;
     • The children may be around and you don’t want them inadvertently hearing what’s going on until you’re ready to tell them.
3. How: This is the tricky one, but there are some parameters that can increase open listening and decrease defensive posturing:
   • Focus on the present and the future. This is not the time to rehash the past.
   • Be mindful that this still may come as a surprise to your spouse. As I said before, no matter how many times you think you may have talked about it, you are clearly putting the matter in more formal terms now.
   • Talk about what is so for YOU. Don’t presume what’s so for your spouse, what’s good for him/her, how this is better and it’s all going to work out.
   • Acknowledge that this was a difficult decision to make, not one that came easily to you and that your intention is not to hurt your spouse/the family.
   • Grant that it will be challenging on many levels but that your fervent hope is that you can both do it well together and that you minimize any negative impact and create as positive an environment as possible, especially if there are children involved.

And one more thing: If you’ve made up your mind that this is the best course of action for you, then it is time to have this conversation. Once done, remember to give your spouse time to wrap his or her head around it. Ask how much time they need before you can both decide when it’s time to call a mediator.

Ada L. Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

{2:53 minutes to read} I have three close friends going through a marriage crisis as we begin this New Year:

• One is definitely moving forward with a divorce.
• One just had the “I want a separation” conversation with her spouse.
• One is still trying to work things out, having just gone through a brief “time out”- physical separation.

Of course their crises didn’t just start on January 1st. These things never just start on any particular day. But there is something about the holidays that sort of puts a marker on things.

I’ve noticed, that as a general rule, there are 3 times of the year when my phone rings heavily with people seeking my mediation services . . .  and 2 of those times revolve around a holiday.

1. Right after the school year is over and the kids are off to summer camp. This is when parents have more freedom and flexibility to deal with this on their own, while out of sight of their children for a while.
2. Right after Labor Day when the kids are back to school and life returns to somewhat normal after the summer holiday and vacations.
3. Right after Christmas/New Year. I call this one the “get me outta here!” phone call.

The winter holiday season, which begins with Thanksgiving and flows through the New Year, is a tough one for those examining their relationships. They are questioning their ability to keep the marriage intact and hoping/ wondering if they can continue to hold it together through a time of parties, gift-giving and family festivities.

And so the calls come right after Christmas, right after the New Year, right after they have held their collective breath and gotten through the season somehow. Whatever happened during the holidays,  the time is nigh.

I have known about my friends’ impending crises for some time. One called me the afternoon of December 31st – I knew immediately that something was up. For all of them:

• I have listened intently;
• Been a shoulder to cry on;
• Offered a perspective when it was appropriate; and
• Gave carefully administered advice when asked.

But in the end, I knew that their situation would have to play itself out… as they all must. Each marriage is unique unto itself. They’re in, they’re out; they’re up, they’re down; it’s over, it’s back on; one more try…then a second… then a third…Hoping against hope that they wouldn’t have to face this reality.

My heart is heavy for each of them AND their spouses because I know what they are about to embark on.

• The emotional loss
• The financial concerns
• The sense of failure
• Anxiety about their children
• Worry about the future
• The whirlwind of turmoil until it all gets worked out

After all this time as a mediator, this much I know – it will all work out. Uneasy though it may be.

As the Dev Patel character Sonny keeps saying in the movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel – “It will all work out in the end – and if it didn’t work out…it’s not the end!”

Ada L. Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

{4:00 minutes to read} This past December, the New York State Council on Divorce Mediation (NYSCDM) held its downstate 1-day symposium. Those dedicated mediators who attend these conferences (including the annual 3-day conference every May) find the events rich with excellent presenters on significant topics that go to the heart of the work we do in mediation. They also engage in the heartfelt collegiality we all feel towards each other and the resources we share to help an otherwise difficult situation (divorce) be a more dignified process.

At this symposium, the opening speaker was Lt. Jack Cambria, who recently retired as the chief hostage negotiator for the NYPD. You might well ask, what does a hostage negotiation have to do with divorce and family mediation? In fact – a lot! Of course, the situations we deal with are not quite as dire as someone holding a gun on another, but for those of us working in tense situations where one party is pulling leverage on the other in order to get what they want, the core concepts are the same. Lt. Cambria’s presentation was enthralling to say the least and oh, so relevant to the work we mediators do with our couples, day in and day out.

One of my colleagues and fellow mediators, Kathy Seiden wrote an excellent article on his presentation immediately after the symposium. Her article, What Do a Hostage Negotiator and a Divorce Mediator Have in Common, summed it up beautifully. Thank you, Kathy.

In addition to what she described as the “take away” from his talk, I would expand on the last item, which has to do with, as Kathy articulated it, “trust the negotiation process. Do not attempt to rush results as each situation needs to evolve on its own timeline or the desired outcome won’t stick.”

One of the things Lt. Cambria emphasized is that, as long as they are still in the process, they are making progress. That’s a biggie! No matter that the parties may not necessarily see it at the moment. The fact that they are still talking, negotiating, arguing, debating . . . means the process is moving forward. They haven’t given up.

Lt. Cambria described a particularly difficult hostage negotiation he was involved in that had been going on for many, many hours. Everyone was beginning to lose their patience (except for him) and he got word from one of his superiors that he was going to take him off the case and bring in another negotiator because Lt. Cambia wasn’t, according to him, making progress. I guess what he meant by that was that Cambria had not yet succeeded in bringing the gunman in.

Lt. Cambria’s response was: “(The hostage taker) has come out of the building toward us – we didn’t have to storm the building and thus put the innocent victims in danger; he is still talking to me and most importantly, he hasn’t harmed anyone including himself. We ARE making progress!” They left him on the case. The situation was ultimately defused, and the hostage-taker gave himself up.

Lessons learned for all of us: keep talking; keep working. If you’re still in the process, you’re making progress.

Ada L. Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

{3:48 minutes to read} There is never a time during which I co-conduct the training at the Center for Mediation & Training in New York City that I don’t come away with a few exquisite gems. I train alongside 2 veteran mediators, Ken Neumann and Steve Abel, who not only trained and mentored me in the craft back in 2003, but over the years, have become close colleagues and friends as well.

The classes are always dynamic and engaging because the students are mostly professionals in other fields, who bring a level of their expertise and experience to the room. The 40-hour basic training is always a harvest of insight and enlightened thinking for all of us, trainers included.

In one such class, a student asked a question about what to do (as a mediator) when you see one spouse practically giving the other spouse “everything” or more than what would be considered usual, customary or normal. In other words, the balance seems to be way off.

As mediators, we deem one of our responsibilities to be balancing the power/outcomes in the room – especially if it appears to be skewed significantly. We explored some of the reasons why someone would simply give away so much, and guess what heads that list? Guilt!

Sometimes, one of the spouses is feeling so guilty about something they did, didn’t do, should have done, could have done, etc., that it impedes their ability to see into the future and consider what the long-term impact would be to such a decision.

Ken Neumann asks: “What is the half-life of guilt?”

The term “half-life” or “biological half-life” in pharmacology means the time required for the activity of a substance taken into the body to lose one-half of its initial effectiveness. In general and more informal terms, we would mean: What is that brief period of time during which something flourishes before dying out?

Great question! It awakens the consciousness to a future-based consideration and not one mired in the past.

To further the point, the question would be: How are you going to feel about these decisions a few years from now, once the guilt has abated and you find yourself on the short end of the stick?

Although there is always the opportunity to amend your Agreement, what if the spouse who got the better end of the deal doesn’t want to change it?

Because guilt, as we all know, can be a huge and oh, so powerful motivator, the questions are:

1. Will the feelings have lasting power?

2. How will that feeling play out over a longer period of time?

3. Is this the only and best motivator there is to negotiate a settlement?

4. How will your decisions, based on this emotion alone, impact your children?

5. What IS the half-life of guilt?

Now, in the present time, is the time to consider the possibilities in ALL their incarnations before it’s too late.

Ada L. Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com